TCOTWAME 4: Retribution at Ló Liel (3)

A 3D image of a strategy board game with medieval-style playing pieces and dice, on a wooden table in a wood and stone room.

The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction

Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis

Retribution at Ló Liel
Chapter 4 (Part 3 of 5)

Near Ló Liel, it was as if the forces of Central-dirt were assaulting a great city, for the vast number of defensive structures and machines set up by The General’s army towered into the night sky. The stars twinkled and danced with the flames of Fangbang, which had been set ablaze thanks to the heroic efforts of Beowulf.

There had been an attempted uprising by some of the bobbit slaves, when the cool, Autumn moonlight had just begun to touch the battlefield. It had been led by none other than Merisdong Bradypunch. He was believed to have been dastardly deeded, after DJ Hadoken had tossed him onto some jagged rocks. But his body was never accounted for, and was considered highly dangerous if not found.

His pitiful co-conspirator was none other than Freddy “Fatso” Buldge. Merisdong had picked all the pieces of Frito Buggins’ exploded head and sewed them together into a mask, while Fatso kept Merisdong hidden. Each night, Merisdong would put on the mask and sneak around with Fatso. The two of them would find some bobbits and trick them into believing that Frito was still alive. Since they only did this at night, it was hard for the other bobbits to notice that it was really Merisdong Bradypunch in a mask and not the real Frito Buggins.

When the uprising started, Merisdong was wearing the Frito mask and trying to imitate Frito’s voice as best as he could. He yelled, “We have never been out of the Shanty Hills before! And if we had known what slavery was like, we don’t think we should have had the heart to leave it!” Fatso and about a dozen other co-conspirator bobbits then stopped performing their slave duties, and tried to push and shove their way to freedom. Like cowardly weak dogs, trying to protect their own pathetic lives.

However, the uprising was quickly suppressed thanks to the heroic actions of Ranchman Grub. He had proven his worth to the RIAopians during the hunt for Tom Dondadildo, and was now under the tutelage of The Intimidator himself.

Ranchman Grub instinctively poked Merisdong and Fatso with his pitchfork. And after Ranchman Grub tore off Merisdong’s mask, the other bobbits realized that it wasn’t Frito Buggins and surrendered. Merisdong was swiftly put in shackles and Fatso along with the other bobbit co-conspirators were demoted from honorable RIA slaves to pathetic prisoners of war.

Meanwhile, the forest of Ló Liel was being torn down by the big chopper style motorcycle mounted lumberjack division of The Woodsman’s army. Its resources were being distributed to each of the RIA armies.

Friends and families of the elfish warriors that were being led by Clortfingel (and currently engaged in combat near the River of Jerkrods with DinoGirl’s army of take-out restaurant workers) had been discovered hiding in the forest of Ló Liel. But since the RIA Army was currently not accepting applications for slave labor, they were allowed to escape by drowning in the Big River of Antydoin.

Within the walls of RIA’s great city of war, The General summoned the leaders of the RIA Army into a secret wooden command center fort. It was situated just South of the Saddest River towards the Hazy Mountains.

Near the Saddest River, the elves of Ravenballs fought fiercely against DJ Hadoken’s, The Field Marshal’s, and The General’s armies. Just South in the Saddest Fields, RockRanger and BlindPanzer’s forces battled the dwarves who were fighting alongside men of Gombor that were being led by Foramimi, son of the former steward of Gombor, Doinhor Junior.

DJ Hadoken was the first to arrive at the secret wooden command center fort. He was once again donning the necklace adorned with the severed heads of bobbits (including that of Smellygul’s) that he had worn when conquering the Shanty Hills. He removed the necklace and placed it on the large wooden war table, which The General had set up with a Central-dirt-themed strategic board game.

The General was calculating the number of remaining forces, “This is no good. If we keep going like this, we may not have enough strength to beat Morbor.” With the battle against Mouron still looming, it was imperative that the RIA Army kept casualties to a minimum.

DJ Hadoken put his hand on The General’s shoulder, “My friend, do not lose hope, because even in these dark hours, we know that we are not alone. Our allies fight to the South...”

At this moment, the heavy wooden door of the secret wooden command center fort opened. DJ Fuji the Man Scout stumbled in, holding The Funk Mistress. The two looked extremely tired and beaten. The Funk Mistress was only wearing a black robe, the signs of a desperate struggle all over her face. Upon seeing this, DJ Hadoken exclaimed, “Funk Mistress!”

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DJ Fuji immediately shouted at DJ Hadoken, “Where were you DJ Hadoken? My zombie army was destroyed! Wasn’t DJ Wang supposed to have poisoned the water supply?! It doesn’t look like anyone has been poisoned!!”

DJ Hadoken responded, “He was supposed to. We haven’t heard from him. Nor have we heard from DJ Benvenuto or Kewl Kat.” And then he paused and asked, “Wait, did you just say zombie army? We don’t have any zombies.”

The Funk Mistress recounted what happened, “Just about everybody died when DJ Fuji made us charge through the Northern Swamps! So I tried to revive them but they all turned into zombies for some reason. And then they all died again after we arrived in Ló Liel because nobody was there to help us! Where the heck is DJ Benvenuto anyway?!”

The General, accounting for the loss of DJ Fuji’s entire army, considered the worst possible scenario, “This isn’t good, DJ Hadoken. If we haven’t heard from DJ Wang or DJ Benny yet, then I think we might need to cut our losses and pull out. It seems like our plan has fallen apart.”

DJ Hadoken agreed, but had not yet lost hope, “You have a point, General, this doesn’t look good. But we still have a few cards up our sleeves... we just need to wait for DJ Benvenuto to get here.”

And then a cloud of smoke appeared and from it emerged a figure clutching his shoulder, blood dripping from between his fingers.

“Father...” DJ Firestarter muttered.

“DJ Firestarter, are you okay?” DJ Hadoken placed his hands on the shoulders of his son from the future.

DJ Firestarter was still wearing his ninja mask, “Yeah, it’s just a flesh wound.”

The General paced around the large wooden war table, “DJ Firestarter, what’s the news? What have you found out?”

DJ Firestarter responded, “DJ Wang is on his way here. He should arrive soon from the Southwest.”

DJ Hadoken then asked DJ Firstarter, “Did he poison the water supply?”

DJ Firestarter shook his head, “He didn’t say. He just said that you need to stop whining.”

Suddenly irritated, DJ Hadoken gestured to the window, “What the heck? Look outside. It doesn’t seem like he has.” Through the window they could see many brave RIA zealot warriors fighting the dwarves and men of Gombor.

“I agree with DJ Hadoken,” The General’s eyes were fixated on the map from the strategic board game version of Central-dirt.

DJ Hadoken picked up the necklace of severed bobbit heads again. As he was putting it back on, he said, “Alright, we’ll have to deal with that later. Right now we need to make sure that we survive this battle. DJ Fuji and Funk Mistress, you guys need to stay here. You’ve been through enough.”

“DJ Hadoken, let me sever Adabone’s head!” DJ Firestarter let out a bloodthirsty growl. He was referring to Adabone, son of Adamone, the heir of Isadbor, who was currently leading an army of Gombor that was crossing The Mold and amassing South of the forest of Ló Liel. They engaged The Woodsman’s army as they assaulted RIA’s great city of war from the South.

Just then, the heavy wooden door opened again and The Field Marshal walked in. Holding his arm was a tall elf woman, with dark blue hair, that resembled a hood rat and was wearing hoop earrings. This elf was none other than Faineth Sícnith, daughter of Thinnien Taíth.

DJ Firestarter growled and pulled out his sword, ready to strike. The dark-blue-haired hood rat elf woman looked at him and smiled.

The Field Marshal raised his hand to try and calm DJ Firestarter, “It’s okay, man! This is our new Inter-Cultural Ambassador! We found her doin’ tricks on dwarves in the mountains after R-Day. Her name is the finest of fine, Faineth Sícnith!”

DJ Firestarter sniffed the air, “She doesn’t smell. Is she pure blood?”

The Field Marshal responded, “Yeah! Our new Inter-Cultural Ambassador is over seven thousand years old and 100% pure elf boss b*tch! She was kicked out of Ló Liel for spreading STD’s and been working the mountains and forests ever since.”

Faineth Sícnith looked around at everyone in the room, and with an elfish voice that sounded like a dirty deedual therapist giving tips to first cousins, said, “I can suck five sausages at once.”

Everyone in the room was silent for a moment. And then The Funk Mistress said, “Damn.”

The General noticed her large belly. He pointed at it and asked The Field Marshal, “Hey, uh, is she pregnant?”

The Field Marshal grinned and let Faineth Sícnith speak for herself, “No. I am not pregnant. My clan of elves can store milk for thousands of years. I hold within my belly the milk of over ten thousand of the mightiest men and creatures who have ever walked Central-dirt. Which I can release, at the time of my choosing, to create their offspring.”

Unbeknownst to our RIA heroes, Faineth Sícnith was a Lastcomi elf. The Lastcomi were a clan of elves that had existed since the earliest days of Central-dirt. Most of them had dark blue hair because they liked to hang out by the ocean on the weekends.

Besides The Field Marshal (who was now laughing), the RIAopians made sounds of revulsion. DJ Firestarter looked like he was about to vomit.

The General had heard enough, “Oh my gosh! That’s so gross! Too much information! Too much information!”

Faineth Sícnith glared hard at The General, “I assume your people are not immortal like us, so, I will say to you, mortal, if you do not desire knowledge, do not seek it. It is not a good use of your time.”

The Field Marshal exclaimed, “Yo, General! This elf don’t play games! That’s why I made her our official Inter-Cultural Ambassador!”

Faineth Sícnith squeezed The Field Marshal’s arm and smiled.

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“Over ten thousand...” The General thought out loud to himself, “Woah! I just realized that could be like biological warfare.” His eyes widened with excitement, “Yeah! Maybe we could use biological warfare to turn the tides of war back in our favor!”

The General asked Faineth Sícnith directly this time, “Hey uh, so after you uh, release that milk you got stored in your belly... How long does it take for you to uh, you know... uh... pop ‘em out?”

Faineth Sícnith responded, “It would take about two hundred years for my offspring to be of any use to your cause. Unfortunate for you, but elves are not in a hurry.”

The heavy wooden door opened again and Diver Dan walked in. The sounds of battle could be heard raging outside each time the door opened.

“Hey, guys!” Diver Dan had a potato cannon strapped to his back and was wearing a vest full of potatoes with bent nails sticking out of them, “Sorry I’m late! I was testing some new guided explosive potatoes that I concocted after being inspired by Belly Bunkem!”

And then Diver Dan giggled, “I overheard some of the conversation from the hallway. What’s this about releasing milk and popping things out? What the heck is going on in this room?!” He looked around and noticed Faineth Sícnith holding The Field Marshal’s arm, “Hey, who is this? We got an elf ally now? Is she pregnant?”

DJ Firestarter responded to him, “No, man. Her belly is big because she’s got the milk of over ten thousand of Central-dirt’s men and creatures that she’s dirty deeded with inside of it.”

Diver Dan smiled nervously for a moment before his eyes widened as he realized something, “Over ten thousand? That’s like an entire army!”

The General agreed with him, “I know! That’s what I was thinking!” He turned to The Funk Mistress and asked, “Can’t you use your Funk powers to you know... accelerate the process? From like, two hundred years to like, uh... one hour?”

Before The Funk Mistress could respond, the heavy wooden door opened and The Intimidator walked in. Happy to see his friends, he exclaimed, “Hey guys!” Following closely behind him was his new disciple, Ranchman Grub, with his three dogs.

As soon as Faineth Sícnith saw the dogs, she started to bark at them and they started to bark in response and wag their tails happily. The more that Faineth Sícnith barked at them, the more excited they became. They became so excited that Ranchman Grub lost control of them and they ran over to Faineth Sícnith, with their tails wagging and sausages rigid.

Ranchman Grub shouted at his dogs, “Grope! Bang! Swallow! Come on, lads!”

As the dogs tried to dirty deed her legs, Faineth Sícnith said something in elfish to them and they calmed down and went back to Ranchman Grub.

Faineth Sícnith looked at The Intimidator and said, “These dogs come from Bangforlong. I know them. I hold their milk within me.”

Ranchman Grub raised his pitchfork, “Who may you be? And what may you be wanting with my dogs?!” he exclaimed.

The Intimidator was confused, “Hey, guys! Who is this? What is she talking about?”

The Funk Mistress, sensing how derailed this was all becoming, chose to completely ignore what just happened and answered The General’s question, as bluntly and concisely as she could.

“That’s a stupid question. But it doesn’t seem to me like you realize how stupid that is. So I will explain why.

“First, we don’t know how the Funk would react to a seven-thousand-year-old elf.

“Second, even if it was compatible and we accelerated the gestation process, her offspring would still be infants. And even if the Funk made them grow to adulthood faster, they’d still be the same as newborns, mentally.”

The Intimidator smiled nervously, glancing around at everyone, still confused.

The Funk Mistress continued, “So it would be like an army of ten thousand newborn babies. Look at what happened to our zombie army with DJ Fuji. It was a disaster.

“That’s why the elf said that it would take two hundred years before her offspring would be of any use to us. Because elves grow up slower, and plus, it takes time to indoctrinate them enough in RIA so that they willingly fight for us.” The Funk Mistress then abruptly ended her response and asked, “Can we please stop talking about this walking elf milk bank? Before I vomit in my mouth again?”

The Intimidator, clearly uncomfortable with this conversation, said loudly, “Hey, guys! I’m going to see if the bobbit prisoners want some more water!” He scurried out of the room, leaving Ranchman Grub and his dogs behind.

DJ Hadoken commented, “Milk bank... You’re right. This is no use to us now. But in the future, that’s over ten thousand possible RIAopians.” He then looked at Faineth Sícnith and asked, “Can you fight?”

Faineth Sícnith responded, “I am skilled with my hands. But not for combat.”

DJ Hadoken then commented to The General, “Even if it will only matter in the future, if the enemy finds out that we have an elf with the power to spawn over ten thousand RIAopians, she will become an extremely high value target for them.”

The General responded, “Dude, you’re right. We’ve got to keep our new biological weapon top secret. At all costs.” And then he looked at The Field Marshal, “Hey, Field Marshal, don’t tell anyone else about her.. uh, special power, okay?”

The Field Marshal responded, “Yeah man! Only the streets of Central-dirt gonna know her secret! We got this!!”

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DJ Hadoken asked DJ Firestarter, “My son, can you spare a cyborg assassin and some ninjas to protect Faineth Sícnith?”

DJ Firestarter responded, “All right, father.” And then he looked at Faineth Sícnith and shouted, “You better not have any of Legorias in you!”

Faineth Sícnith gazed at DJ Firestarter for a moment and then said, “I do not anymore.” And then the RIAopians noticed some milk running down her legs and pooling on the floor.

Even The Field Marshal looked surprised as the RIAopians were revolted by what just happened. The General wailed, “Oh, gosh. No!”

And then Ranchman Grub’s dogs got excited again and started barking happily. They once again got away from Ranchman Grub and ran towards Faineth Sícnith. Their tails were wagging like crazy as they licked up all the milk that had just pooled on the floor.

And again, the RIAopians made sounds of revulsion. Ranchman Grub exclaimed, “Well! Now, if that isn’t peculiar than ever!”

When the dogs were done licking up the milk, they went back to Ranchman Grub and he left with them to find The Intimidator. When the heavy wooden door opened again, the distant battle cries of dwarves could be heard.

The General promptly asked The Field Marshal, “How long before you can get those dwarves out there to join us, like Belly Bunkem did?”

The Field Marshal responded, “Once my army can get past the elves of Ravenballs, we can begin to set up portable military-grade movie theatres and strip clubs around the Saddest Fields. But we are running low on Hoes. Maybe after DJ Wang arrives, we can use some of his Skanks.”

The General looked at DJ Hadoken, “Our armies are going to need to coordinate to help The Field Marshal’s army get past the elves of Ravenballs and into the Saddest Fields.”

The Field Marshal added, “Our Inter-Cultural Ambassador suggested that we set up some portable military-grade shopping malls and casinos to distract the elves of Ravenballs.”

Faineth Sícnith advised them, “Even the smallest casino can change the course of the future.”

The General said, “Okay guys. Let’s clear out the Saddest Fields and secure the inside of our walls A.S.A.P.”

And then a confused-looking cyborg assassin and confused-looking ninjas climbed in through the window to escort Faineth Sícnith. The Field Marshal followed them. Before exiting, the cyborg assassin informed The General, “DJ Wang’s forces are engaging the enemy South of the River of Jerkrods.”

After their victory at the Gap of Rodan, DJ Wang’s army, with the help of the Crazymen of Funland, were able to traverse North through the Hazy Mountains towards Ló Liel. However, their arrival at the River of Jerkrods did not provide much of a strategic advantage this time around. This is because the elfish armies that were being led by Clortfingel and the men of Gombor that were being led by Adabone (son of Adamone, the heir of Isadbor), seemed to have been anticipating their arrival and had many battalions awaiting a confrontation from the Southwest.

And even though the Crazymen of Funland had been helping DJ Wang, many of them had been entangled in paternity disputes involving the Skanks in DJ Wang’s Vulgarian Battalion. This included the leader of the Crazymen (Freeko), his assistant (Dawg), and some Skanks (Lieutenant Boobhilda, who was also Freeko’s wife, and her sister, Cleavagia). Boobhilda had caught Freeko cheating with Cleavagia after Dawg had claimed that Boobhilda’s baby was his. Many like them had to return to Funland to prepare and file civil court proceedings and order DNA tests.

To make matters worse, DJ Wang’s Creepy Talk Show Hosts could not pass up this opportunity. Many of them abandoned their duties and began to set up new studios around Funland to capitalize on the interpersonal drama as it unfolded.

What was left of DJ Wang’s forces now consisted primarily of the remaining Skanks (together with the other chair-wielding Vulgarians) who were not embroiled in legal troubles, the belligerent Juggalo Battalion (led by Raggedy Rage), the Warrior Sailors (who did not perform well in the mountains), and Zath (with his long sword that has the ability to shoot devastating laser beams). These forces currently were attempting to assist DinoGirl’s army of take-out food workers near the River of Jerkrods.

At this point, nobody had been expecting the hordes of extremely jacked-up orcs that suddenly began to swarm out of the Hazy Mountains, having emerged from the depths of Mineland...

To Be Continued...


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