TCOTWAME 3: Wizards’ Secrets (5)

A digital painting of a female magician with long, orange hair, casting a spell on a dark and misty battlefield.

The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction

Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress

Wizards’ Secrets
Chapter 3 (Part 5 of 5)

Like a tennis match, The Funk Mistress was using her Funk Powers and Gandolf the Flash was using flashes of light to bounce spells back and forth across the battlefield.

The RIA Army’s zombie warriors (under the command of DJ Fuji the Man Scout) swarmed around her, fiercely fighting the men of Gombor. However, they were greatly outnumbered and their strength was quickly dwindling. No matter how much she tried, she knew that she was growing weak and Gandolf the Flash’s spells were not.

Gandolf the Flash was revered as the most powerful wizard in all of Central-dirt. This reverence was also the main source of his power. The more powerful that people believed he was, the more powerful he became. Since nobody had ever bothered to check his credentials, he was now nearly unstoppable.

If anybody ever dared question Gandolf the Flash, he would use his of power of “loud shout” to deter them. So he had been able to get away with anything, including the freaky things that him and the other wizards of Central-dirt were into. But the RIA Army was going to put a stop to that. And if anybody was capable of punishing this social deviant, it was none other than The Funk Mistress.

Yet another of Gandolf the Flash’s flashes of light filled the sky, stunning the RIA Army’s zombie warriors. And once again, The Funk Mistress called upon the Funk to protect them, but this time a great pain passed through her body. She could not keep going like this. As the men of Gombor began to overpower the zombies, she looked around helplessly. DJ Fuji was nowhere to be seen.

A band of men from Gombor took notice of The Funk Mistress and were soon upon her, grabbing her. She tried to resist, but was too weak. Then, the decimated bodies of the zombies rose up, tearing at the men who had been upon her.

The zombies began to rally to The Funk Mistress and surround her. They fought bravely to defend her. In their ferocity, she could see into what eyes they had left, that they did not want to die once more. But she could do nothing to help them.

The protective circle they had formed quickly began to fall, as the men of Gombor were many and proud. The last of the zombies fell. And then, through her dwindling strength, The Funk Mistress lifted her arms to call upon the Funk once more, but one of the men quickly grabbed her.

The men began to laugh, “Let me have her! I want to taste a witch!” one cried. The dirty, bloodied, and sweaty man who was grasping her, put a knife to her neck. “You’re very pretty, aren’t you?”

The Funk Mistress gasped. Helplessly her eyes darted in every direction, dizzying her, desperately looking for someone who might appear and save her. It was like she was drowning and could not breathe.

“UNHAND HER, YOU FOOLS!” A loud voice shouted.

The man withdrew his knife and pushed The Funk Mistress towards the ground. In the mud, she looked up to find an old man with a flowing gray robe and cane approaching her on a gray horse. It was none other than Gandolf the Flash.

The man acknowledged Gandolf the Flash by saying, “Hiramsdeers!” Hiramsdeers was the name that Gandolf the Flash was known as to the elites of Gombor.

Gandolf the Flash dismounted his horse. Now, with his back towards The Funk Mistress, he lifted up the front of his robe towards the men and shouted, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS HER AROUND UNTIL I’VE HAD MY WAY WITH HER!”

The sweaty man with the knife shouted at the other men, “Come with me, men! Let’s go!”

The men quickly left and rushed past The Funk Mistress and Gandolf the Flash, as if they were invisible. The Funk Mistress was able to breathe again as Gandolf the Flash came towards her. He offered his hand to help her up, “I am Gandolf the Flash, and you must be The Mistress of Funk. I found your website when I borrowed Soreman the Jacked’s crystal balls.”

The Funk Mistress refused his hand. “That’s The Funk Mistress,” she said as she stood up. “If you and Mouron hadn’t sent those death threats to us, this would have never happened!”

Gandolf the Flash pulled out his pipe, put it in his mouth and inhaled. He then exhaled a donut-shaped puff of smoke. As it floated in the air, he stuck his tongue out and through the hole of the donut.

now back to the blog...

Though irritated by that gesture, The Funk Mistress could feel the blood passing through her veins once again. “What would you expect if you have Frito running around everywhere threatening to dastardly deed everybody? You didn’t think we’d just ignore that, did you?!”

Gandolf the Flash fidgeted at his robe with the one hand that wasn’t holding his cane as he said, “Many that live deserve death. But did I make a threat to you? Do not be too eager to deal out judgement upon your fan art submissions.” A wild look came across his eyes, “Indeed, even the minions of Mouron visited your website.”

And then Gandolf the Flash laughed, “Perhaps Frito bothered you because he is a bobbit, and bobbits can be somewhat... clumsy.” He walked towards his horse, stroked its mane. “Shadowtextmessage, go!” The horse sprinted away.

Gandolf the Flash turned towards The Funk Mistress, “But you see, Funk Mistress, your forces are outnumbered and will be destroyed. If not by men or elves, then by the vast legions of Morbor now amassing to the Southeast, preparing to battle your weakened friends.”

The Funk Mistress had regained some strength, “If DJ Hadoken interpreted it as death threats, then that’s what it is! So stop being a b*tch about it and give up already. Before we destroy you all!” She attempted to cast a Funk spell, but Gandolf the Flash lifted his cane and she was thrown back.

“Your skills are impressive, Funk Mistress, but you still have a lot to learn! Let me teach you!” Gandolf the Flash threw off his robe, exposing his bony, aged, crinkly body. He had a massive and rigid sausage.

And then Gandolf the Flash began to laugh maniacally, “I’m gonna make you lick my balrogs, witch! BEND OVER!” His sausage began to grow larger and longer and then eyes grew from it and it grew a mouth and tongue, so that the head of his sausage had become like the head of a snake. It quickly rushed through the air toward The Funk Mistress.

The Funk Mistress tried to resist, but could not, as the snake sausage wrapped itself first around one leg and then the other. She screamed. It crept into her pants, slowly twisting its way up her waist. She tried to tear it away with her hands but it grew spikes on its back and was now tearing through her shirt.

The snake sausage reached The Funk Mistress’ chest and slowly crept and wrapped itself around her back and peaches. The spikes on its back were slowly shredding her garments. Tears fell from her eyes.

Suddenly another snake sausage grew from Gandolf the Flash’s crotch and shot toward The Funk Mistress with tremendous speed. It wrapped itself around her arms and she was lifted two hundred feet (about sixty meters) into the air.

Now, helpless and with the soft, delicate flesh of her peaches and drumsticks exposed, a third snake sausage burst forth from Gandolf the Flash’s crotch and wrapped itself around her neck, hovering near the soft, delicate lips of her mouth.

The Funk Mistress was then forced to spread her wings as a fourth and fifth snake sausage extended from Gandolf the Flash’s crotch and began to tear at what was left of her garments. Her face full of tears, she began to sob.

Gandolf the Flash laughed, and then loudly shouted, “I will not say ‘do not cry’, because not all tears are an evil!” He had to shout loudly this time because The Funk Mistress was now suspended three hundred and thirty feet (about one hundred meters) up in the air by snake sausages, and could not hear him otherwise.

But now that more of her body was exposed, Gandolf the Flash (with what little blood was left in his brain) realized that there was something he had failed to anticipate- the overwhelming power of The Funk Mistress’ funky beauty.

She was so beautiful that it was as if all of the funkiness from all of the Funk updates ever posted onto the website had been imbued into her funky curves. Even that one time that DJ Fuji updated helped to amplify her beauty even more.

She was so beautiful that if one were to gaze upon her bare funky body, it would be impossible to think of anything besides her beauty. All thought would vanish and only the worthy ones chosen by the Funk would be spared from going mad.

She was so beautiful that if one was chosen by her, one would be overcome with a feeling of peace and calmness and a desire to be enveloped by her funky beauty and then melt into her.

But Gandolf the Flash was not chosen by her. So his snake sausages started to burn immensely. This was because The Funk Mistress’ sweat contained a funky nectar, that for the right person would be of the highest of funky euphoria, but for social deviants likes Gandolf the Flash, the funky nectar in her sweat was nothing more than a burning acid for him.

A close-up photo of someone wearing jeans with spiky, hissing snakes drawn all over their lap.
Submitted by The Funk Mistress.

As his snake sausages started to hiss in pain, they weakened and brought The Funk Mistress down closer to the ground. As she came down closer, Gandolf the Flash noticed that on her rear-end there was a tattoo that read, “Copyright ©” And then he started to scream. But since he was into freaky things, he still would not release of her.

Gandolf the Flash, trying desperately to regain his composure, muttered, “Now, where was I? Oh yes. I was not the one being grabbed. I caught a Funk Mistress or two with a flash!”

The Funk Mistress was still suspended twenty feet (about six meters) up in the air by snake sausages. As The Funk Mistress cried desperately, she began to think.

now back to the blog...

She remembered that DJ Hadoken had not finished teaching her how to use the control panel of the new version of the website. And that he had not made her an admin on the message board yet. And that there was something wrong with her e-mail address because every time she tried to check her e-mail she would get “ERROR: Connection dropped by IMAP server” and half the time it would say that she is not a user, so she needed to ask DJ Hadoken to fix that for her so that she could check all the fan mail that she was not getting. And she realized that DJ Hadoken was probably going to ask her later to edit the second and third drafts of this story.

There were far too many things left for her to live for.

The Funk Mistress mustered all of the strength that she could and yelled, “THE FUNK!” And in an instant, Gandolf the Flash let forth an unprecedented cry of pain as she was released and fell toward the ground.

Darkness and silence enveloped her.


=^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^=




Buy Me a Coffee