TCOTWAME 3: Wizards’ Secrets (1)

A digital painting depicting a flaming bomber that has crashed onto a medieval battlefield in front of a group of knights on horseback. There are other aircraft flying above in a stormy sky full of lightning bolts.

The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction

Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis

Wizards’ Secrets
Chapter 3 (Part 1 of 5)

Mid-Afternoon of July 2nd

The reports from the fronts of the war were very successful.

The raid carried out by The General’s army on Frodo’s town was very successful. What is left of the town is only ruins.

Army commanded by The Field Marshal had informed the DJs that they had successfully taken the mountains and the towns around. So the RIA armies controlled part of Middle of Earth.

But many of our best fighters would be fallen or wounded on the Great Battle of Lorien. But the RIA armies wouldn’t lose on the Battle of the Lorien because they had the greatest military strategist since Napoleon on their side, Brigadier General Kewl Kat.


DJ Wang’s army met no resistance as they beelined towards the Gap of Rodan. They did however, encounter some of the Crazymen of Funland. The Crazymen of Funland were a race of humans who inhabited the hills of Funland, near Enodswaist.

The Crazymen of Funland hated Rodan and Gombor because they would always borrow their horses and never give them back. And the Rodan and Gombor crime families had expelled all of the Funland business owners to make way for their illegal mining rackets.

So when the Crazymen of Funland met DJ Wang’s army, they gladly joined them. They got along so well that all of the Skank Companies of the Vulgarian Battalion were already starting to get pregnant and the Creepy Talk Show Hosts were hard at work scheduling paternity tests and hiring private investigators to find out who was cheating on who.

As DJ Wang’s army passed through the Gap of Rodan, they could hear sirens coming from Hard’n Deep indicating that Kewl Kat’s 111st, 114th and 120th Airborne Divisions were attempting to carry out airstrikes. Kewl Kat had ordered airstrikes on the Rodan and Gombor armies, but the bombers were being shot down by lightning bolts and attacked by the Giant Falcons of Narda, who had been sent by the wizard Gandolf the Flash.

The combined forces of Rodan and Gombor had forced Kewl Kat’s army to fall back into Hard’n Deep. There was no sign of DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon’s army.

The Gombor armies had created massive walls made from indestructible materials that they had illegally stolen from Mineland, which belonged to the dwarves. They were using these walls to protect themselves from artillery fire and to keep Kewl Kat’s army crammed within Hard’n Deep. There was not enough space in Hard’n Deep for Kewl Kat’s army to utilize its heaviest firepower.

“Geez, there’s so many here already that poisoning the rivers wouldn’t have done much in time to stop all of them,” DJ Wang commented, as he observed the battlefield with Zath. They were starting to realize that, from early on, the outlook had been grim for DJ Benvenuto.

Standing with them was Freeko, a leader of the Crazymen of Funland. He had brought along his pregnant wife Boobhilda, who was a Vulgarian lieutenant of the 3rd Skank Company. Boobhilda had brought along her sister, Cleavagia.

“Our Crazymen can easily immobilize Rodan’s horses by spreading cubes of tasty salt lick laced with tranquilizers across the Gap of Rodan,” Freeko suggested. Cleavagia was staring at him and smiling as he spoke.

“If we can lure enough of them away, Kewl Kat will be able come out from Hard’n Deep and fire his heavy artillery,” Zath observed.

DJ Wang knew that time was of the essence if there was to be any hope of rescuing their friends from this chaos, “Good idea. Boobhilda, notify the other Skank Companies that we will use them to lure some of Rodan’s army back towards the Gap of Rodan.”

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Freeko called out to his assistant, Dawg, who had been leaning against a tree with his arms crossed a few yards away from them, staring at Boobhilda the whole time, “Dawg, gather all of the salt lick cubes from across the empty stables of Funland and lace them with the strongest tranquilizers Funland has got to offer. It’s time to reclaim our horses from Rotten Rodan!”

Without saying a word, Dawg stopped leaning against the tree, gave one last look at Boobhilda, and then walked off towards the encampments of the other Crazymen, to carry out the orders.

Freeko turned to Boobhilda and said, “Boobhilda, I’m glad I married you the moment that I found out you were pregnant. When this battle is over, you and your sister can come live with me in my hometown in Funland.”

“Yes, baby,” Boobhilda kissed Freeko and then yelled at Cleavagia, “Come on, Cleavagia! Let’s go!” Cleavagia giggled, and when Boobhilda was not looking, she pinched Freeko in the behind and then ran off with Boobhilda.

“You may use our fortress of Ivansnard to oversee the operation,” Freeko offered, “It’s been vacant ever since we evicted the wizard Soreman the Jacked, for not paying rent and violating curfew.”

“There’s a big tower in Ivansnard, right? I’ve got an idea,” DJ Wang decided to take Freeko up on his offer, “Zath, you take control of things on the ground here. I’m gonna give everyone a power boost from Ivansnard.”

From the tower of Horspank at Ivansnard, DJ Wang would be able to observe the battle through Soreman the Jacked’s crystal balls. DJ Wang would also be able to utilize the tower to amplify the power of his Filthy Lifestyle Ring of Vices.

When DJ Wang uses his Ring of Vices to boost his army, the Creepy Talk Show Hosts’ “Grabby Hands” become even faster, which makes enemies so uncomfortable that they lose the will to fight. The Skanks gain the power of “B*tch-shee’s Call”, which easily turns the enemies’ brains into mush. And the Juggalo Battalion and the Warrior Sailors, well, they just become even more insane.

Before DJ Wang went on his journey, Freeko called upon the Crazymen who moonlight as security guards at Ivansnard to accompany him, “Summon the night shift security guards of Ivansnard! DJ Wang is going to Ivansnard!” The messengers quickly ran around the Crazymen encampments, waking up the security guards who had been taking naps, “DJ Wang is going to Ivansnard! To Ivansnard! You’re taking DJ Wang to Ivansnard!”

After DJ Wang arrived at Ivansnard, he climbed to the top of the tower of Horspank. When he entered the room that Soreman the Jacked used to live in, he found the crystal balls. Before he could use them, though, he had to clean them, because they were covered in slime. And then after he cleaned the slime off, he had to figure out how to change them to the Gap of Rodan channel, because they were stuck on the pay-per-view channel of dwarf women doing dirty deeds with rocks.

The strategic operation commenced after all of the preparations were complete. There were many street-walking specialists within the ranks of the Skanks, so they had no trouble luring vast amounts Rodan’s knights away from Hard’n Deep towards the Gap of Rodan.

The Crazymen of Funland had filled the Gap of Rodan with so many salt lick cubes that it was as if all of the salt of the Great Ocean of Beetlegear had been extracted and dumped there. As soon as the horses entered the Gap of Rodan, it was like heaven for them. They stopped listening to the knights and just started to lick the tasty salt lick cubes like crazy.

But the salt lick cubes had been laced with the strongest tranquilizers of Funland, so it was like they were at the afterparty of the spring break edition of “Horses Gone Wild”. After only a few licks, the horses fell unconscious and toppled over, throwing the knights of Rodan to the ground.

After the knights were thrown to the ground, the Creepy Talk Show Hosts, the Skanks (together with the other chair-wielding Vulgarians), the Juggalo Battalion and the Warrior Sailors attacked them. Zath used his laser sword to provide cover from the enemy archers. From the tower of Horspank, DJ Wang shouted “FILTHY LIFESTYLE!” repeatedly as he used his Ring of Vices to boost their powers.

DJ Wang’s army had been able to draw away enough of Rodan’s knights that Kewl Kat’s army was finally able to emerge from Hard’n Deep. Now that they were freed, Kewl Kat was able to utilize his tank divisions to win complete control of Hard’n Deep and the surrounding area of Westcrack, by the River Crackburn.

Kewl Kat’s 233rd and 235th Ranger Divisions also started to use surface-to-air missiles to attack the Giant Falcons of Narda. But some managed to fly away, and by that point, most of Kewl Kat’s air divisions had already been obliterated.

The remnants of the army of Gombor that was being led by Foramimi (son of the former steward of Gombor, Doinhor Junior) pulled out of Hard’n Deep and ran away in fear. The warriors of Rodan, who had lost most of their horses, ran away on foot.

As DJ Wang’s army continued to provide support near the Gap of Rodan, Kewl Kat ordered a search and rescue operation to find their fallen comrades from DJ Benvenuto’s army.


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