TCOTWAME 2: Into The Fire (4)

A digital painting of a dwarf with a grey beard, that has a rocket-launching device and is standing on top of a rocky mound, in front of a mountain that is exploding in the background.

The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction

Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis

Into The Fire
Chapter 2 (Part 4 of 5)


The suffering bobbits wailed in agony and the RIA zealots cheered, as the soundwaves of the Wobbly Windows wobbling furiously reverberated throughout the ruins of the Shanty Hills.

The Wobbly Windows were large sheets of nearly indestructible and highly bendable plexiglass, procured by RIA from the local high school (during the Bench Wars). When bended repeatedly, they would produce an otherworldly wobbling sound that was so deep and loud that it proved to be more effective than war drums at raising the morale of the RIA Army and striking fear in the hearts of their enemies.

“Oh, Gandolf the Flash! Help us! Please!” Merisdong Bradypunch (one of Frito’s bobbit allies) pleaded for salvation that would not come.

“Who said that?! YOU! Get over here!” DJ Hadoken grabbed Merisdong, who was cowering behind some other bobbits. As DJ Hadoken carried him with only one arm, Merisdong continued pleading, “Pippis, help me!”

But help would not come soon enough for Merisdong. “You belong in the depths of Morbor!” DJ Hadoken shouted as he tossed Merisdong off the edge of a hill onto the jaggiest rocks he could find.

“Ha... HA... haha...” One of the bobbits started to laugh slowly, but then grew more hysteric, “HAHAHA!” It was none other than Merisdong’s cousin, Pippis Look.

“WHAT’S SO FUNNY! HUH! YOU WANT TO FEEL FUNNY?!” The Intimidator shouted in Pippis’ face.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Pippis cowered away slightly but continued to laugh hysterically.

“Seems like that bobbit has lost his marbles. Do we still have aphrodisiacs left for the dogs?” Diver Dan asked.

Pippis’ dirty face was now glowing with joy, “No! Thank you! HAHAHA! Frito Buggins is dastardly deeded! Cam Camgee is dastardly deeded! Merisdong Bradypunch is dastardly deeded! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I never thought this day would come!”

“It has always been Bildo Buggins this. Frito Buggins that! And Cam and Merisdong were so self-indulging in these days! I just kept up good appearances with them. You know. But I loathed them! I never imagined a day like this would truly ever come! HAHAHA!” Pippis raised his hands to the sky in joy.

Just then, a massive explosion occurred nearby. The body parts of nearly one hundred bobbits rained down from the sky as DJ Hadoken reacted, “Oh, man.”

It was none other than The Field Marshal, accompanied by some of his army and a dwarf with a rocket launcher. The dwarf had just launched a Mountain Buster Rocket (M.B.R.) at a large group of cowering bobbits that had gathered near the Green Grasses, in the direction of the Eastern Fartings of the Shanty Hills.

The army of the Field Marshal had been assigned by the Southern Cowboy (a.k.a Kewl Kat) to specifically attack the mountains of Central-dirt.

On R-Day, they had arrived on Central-dirt through the Northern Swamps (about half a day ahead of DJ Fuji the Man Scout’s army) near Fobobwaist. They successfully demolished the Mountains of Bangmar and completely destroyed Mount Cundabed. They also secured the Smoky Mountains of Erod Mothran, so that they would be safe for DJ Fuji’s army to traverse on their journey to Murkyforest.

They then obliterated Mount Wham, near the Eatnboors. And were currently preparing to disintegrate the Mountains of Hiccuppin, to the North of the Old Wooded Path. But the pre-emptive strike on and subsequent destruction of the Shanty Hills carried out by The General’s large army group (which had been assembled to invade Morbor) had caught the attention of The Field Marshal. So he decided to take some of his army along and pay them a visit.

“Move bobbits, BOOM! Get out of the way! HAHAHA!” The dwarf with the rocket launcher laughed loudly. This dwarf was Belly Bunkem, grandson of Menni Bunkem and first cousin of Baggi Halfgrin. He had been set to inherit the throne of Mount Cundabed before it was blown up.

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“Hey, Hadoken!” The Field Marshal’s uniform was covered with Confederate flags, the official insignia of the armies under the direct command of Kewl Kat (a.k.a. Southern Cowboy). “We’ve seized most of the mountains around Fobobwaist and were able to secure the Mounds of Evenodd, the North Bumps, and the Wuthering Heaths on our way here.”

DJ Hadoken was pleased, “Excellent. This means that Tom Dondadildo will be mostly surrounded in the Elder Woods. Pippis! Come here!”

Tears of joy could be seen running down Pippis’ dirty face as he approached DJ Hadoken.

“Hearing your courageous words made me realize that it was not only us RIAopians whom had been terrorized by Frito,” DJ Hadoken commented.

Pippis cried, “Frito Buggins was a ninny! He was! All the Buggins are!”

“Good, Pippis. I will give you the opportunity to achieve what that scoundrel Frito could never,” DJ Hadoken removed his Ring of Vices, knelt down, and placed it in Pippis’ palm. “I want you to run as fast as you can, Southeast, towards Barsbad and Neen-er-Nil.”

Pippis’ eyes grew wide as he admired the ring on his palm. DJ Hadoken continued, “On your way, you must scream constantly. Try to scream as if you were some sort of a giant lizard.” The raptor call was DJ Hadoken and DJ Firestarter’s way of locating each other across vast distances.

“If you are successful, some dark assassins may attempt to dastardly deed you. But do not fear. Give them this ring, and that bracelet over there,” DJ Hadoken pointed at Central-dirt’s notorious Mouron’s Bracelet, which was dangling from Frito’s corpse (that was rotting nearby).

Mouron’s Bracelet (also known as Mouron’s Bling) was one of the most infamous artifacts ever created in Central-dirt. It was created by none other than the Master of Morbor, Mouron. Anybody with a low IQ could be easily mind-controlled by Mouron’s Bracelet. It also granted the wearer invisibility, so that they could illegally evade the border patrol agents of Central-dirt.

Frito was supposed to (but didn’t) have journeyed to Morbor and thrown Mouron’s Bracelet into the Volcano of Destruction, a long time ago. Even though the fate of Central-dirt was depending on him, nobody actually believed that he would be able to do it because his IQ was so low.

Pippis ran over to Frito’s corpse. The bits and pieces of Frito’s exploded head were littered all over the ground. A great smile covered Pippis’ dirty face as he pried Mouron’s Bracelet from Frito’s corpse and laughed, “Hahaha! Now I will carry the bracelet! And not just this, but a ring too! It will be my birthday that is celebrated in the Shanty Hills! Not yours, Frito! Haha!”

Pippis was now clutching the ring in one hand and the bracelet in the other as DJ Hadoken continued to instruct him, “Good, Pippis. When they find you, tell the assassins that the hunt for Tom Dondadildo has begun.”

The General stepped forward and placed a sealed envelope into Pippis’ pocket, “Hey Pippis, uh, give this letter to them too, won’t you?”

Perhaps in all the history of the Shanty Hills, no other bobbit was as happy as Pippis was in this moment. It was now him, not Frito or Bildo Buggins, that was to undertake a secret journey of the utmost importance.

“DO YOU WANT SOME WATER?!” Pippis yelped in fear as The Intimidator suddenly screamed in his face.

“No, really. Here’s some water to drink before you go,” The Intimidator poured water out of a foam cup into Pippis’ mouth.

Now with his throat adequately refreshed, Pippis began to scream. He then took off running as fast as he could to the Southeast. As instructed, he tried his best to imitate the sound of a giant lizard as he ran.

“Hahaha! Look at that stupid hairy-footed dog run!” Belly Bunkem (the dwarf with the rocket launcher) laughed.

Diver Dan was amused by Belly Bunkem. He pointed at him, “Hey! I like this guy!”

DJ Hadoken asked The Field Marshal, “How have you managed to assimilate the enemy so easily?”

The Field Marshal laughed, “Yo! It’s easy! We just show them our portable military-grade movie theatres and strip clubs and give them some jewelry. After that, we arm them with grenades and rocket launchers, because they love to blow sh*t up!”

Some of The Field Marshal’s soldiers then approached, hauling large crates. “Hey, Hadoken! Kewl Kat said for you to give this to the bobbits!” The Field Marshal gestured at his soldiers to proceed.

As the soldiers began to unpack the contents of the crates, DJ Hadoken asked, “What is it?”

The Field Marshal laughed, “It’s the finest cigars and board games that the South has got to offer! Kewl Kat says that the bobbits are gonna love this sh*t!”

The wails of agony of the bobbits gradually subsided as the soldiers distributed the cigars and board games to them. Soon, the sounds of agony were replaced with chatter and curiosity at these new foreign oddities.

The smell of rotting bobbits could barely even be noticed, as the smell was replaced by the smoke coming from the finest, premium cigars. Even the women and children bobbits were smoking cigars like they were in some casino in Las Vegas.

“Huh. Well, would you look at that. Those little bastards love that stuff,” The General commented, “If only we had known it was that easy to win them over. We wouldn’t have had to dastardly deed half of them.”

The General then realized something, “Aw, dang man. You know, that letter I wrote for DJ Firestarter that I gave to Pippis? In part of it, I included an order for Pippis to be eliminated as soon as possible.”

“Oh, man,” DJ Hadoken responded, “Well, I guess as our great teacher, Taiwan Sensei (the Grenade-Throwing Japanese Language Instructor from Taiwan) would say, ‘that’s just the way it is’.”


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