A map of Middle-earth scanned from a book.

Lord of the Rings Fan-Fiction

Written by DJ Hadoken

I propose that we form an army and INVADE MIDDLE-EARTH. Yes, the actual words must be blanked out, as to prevent the observation from spies. Highlight them if you want to see what they say.

In any case, I will go into further detail now.

Why do I choose to INVADE MIDDLE-EARTH?

It is simple. If we threaten Hobbiton and Mordor at the same time, we will have an advantage over both Frodo and the legions of Sauron.

We must form six armies. The first five under the control of the RIA DJs and the sixth, the army which will lead the offensive, will be under the brave control of THE GENERAL.

Five armies will breach the main continent on five different sides. The sixth army will land in Mordor.

One army will land south, on the coast of the Bay of Belfalas, near Anfalas in Gondor. This army’s goal will be to cross the White Mountains and seize Rohan. This army will then enslave the men of Rohan and force them to fight on our side. Those who resist will simply be put on the SALCHI-RACK.

A second army will take the perilous task of invading via the Northern Waste. After crossing the Grey Mountains, they will have the task of torching the forest of Mirkwood. The forest must be completely set ablaze. This will announce to the entire Middle-earth that RIA has invaded and that NO ONE WILL BE SPARED.

The first ULTIMATE OBJECTIVE of this grand campaign, “THE SEIZURE OF MIDDLE-EARTH”, will then follow.

Once Rohan has been seized and Mirkwood has been torched, the first and second armies will converge in LORIEN.

Yes, Lorien. It will be a difficult task overcoming the elves, but with two powerful RIA armies it can be done. However, many honorable lives will be lost. Indeed, the most honorable heroes of the war will be produced in this battle. THE BATTLE FOR LORIEN.

A third, smaller army, will land on the coast of the Gulf of Lune, near the River Isen, near Enedwaith in Gondor. This army will have one major objective: to poison each water supply of Rohan, the White Mountains, Hollin, Rhudaur, Ettenmoors, and most importantly RIVENDELL.

This task will be accomplished by introducing poison into the waters of River Gwathlo and River Isen. However, the current may be against the third army. In that case, it will be up to the top ranking officers of the third army to determine a means of safely sending the poison upstream.

After this task is complete, the third army will secretly march to Rivendell to meet my army and wipe-out any opposition in Rivendell. We will enslave the men and force them to join our armies. If they disobey, they will be vaporized by the RIA (army) RANGERS. Rivendell may or may not be torched.

I personally have chosen to land on the coast of the Gulf of Lune, near Harlindon in Eriador, with the goal of invading The Shire under the cover of the Grey Havens. The ultimate objective will be to dastardly deed any hobbit that has ever had any relation with Frodo and to burn Hobbiton to ashes. Thus forcing Frodo to return to The Shire to try to help.

When he returns, I will confront him in an epic Man-to-Hobbit duel and I will poke him to misery and dastardly deed him in the honor of RIA.

My army will then march towards Rivendell, burning Old Forest to the ground. My army will seek out Tom Bombadil and dastardly deed him along with his wife. Many more priceless RIA lives will be lost, as Tom Bombadil is a skilled and cunning native of Middle-earth.

It must be acknowledged however, that this mission will be difficult, and many Poss members may be dastardly deeded in the name of the mission. Because of this, the mission will last only one week. After that week, if Tom Bombadil has not been dastardly deeded, my army will withdraw and proceed to Rivendell.

now back to the blog...

The fifth army will consist of trained assassins, spies and special mission teams. This army will disperse itself throughout the continent. Some will land near the Ice Bay of Forochel and near the Iron Mountains. Others will land in the Dunland, the Dead Marshes and near the Sea of Rhûn.

Their task will be to hunt down key figures of Middle-earth and eliminate them. These figures include Arwen, Aragorn, Sam Gamgee, Pippin, Merry, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir’s corpse, Gandalf, the Ring Wraiths, Elrond, Gollum, and many more including Tom Bombadil if the previous army fails to dastardly deed him.

The fifth army will also be in charge of devising a plan to combat against Gandalf and Sauron’s magic. Because of this, the fifth army will also closely cooperate with The General’s army.

When all objectives have been achieved with these armies, the latter three will march towards Lorien to meet the other two and unite into one powerful RIA Army. This army will then march towards Mordor to aid The General’s army in his fight against Sauron’s legions.

The tactics of the sixth army, The General’s, will be completely left to him.

After victory, a new government will be placed in Middle-earth. The heads of this government will consist of the war’s greatest heroes. We will spread RIAopiaism to the unfortunate victims of this war and force them to worship THE ANCIENTS.

This is my proposal.


My fellow RIAopians, some of you are veterans of the Bench Wars.

Others have experienced our skirmishes with the school windows.

I warn you that this war will be much more difficult than those battles. Many of you may be dastardly deeded. But you will not be dastardly deeded in vain.


But before we can PREVAIL..

We must ASSEMBLE!!






The map from the 1988 PC real-time strategy game, "J.R.R. Tolkien’s War in Middle Earth".
Map from “J.R.R. Tolkien’s War in Middle Earth”
(1988 PC Real-Time Strategy Game)

Top Comments

DJ Hadoken comments:
This thread is for the discussion of the great war between RIA and Middle-Earth only! Before telling us your personal war account, be sure to introduce yourself and prove to us what a great hero you are in whatever way you see fit!

If you aren’t familiar with the War on Middle-Earth yet, be sure to check out our section dedicated to this war by clicking this link.

Frodo molds ever on and on......

now back to the blog...

The Funk Mistress responds:
Bet your bathing suit area that this will be a new Funk Mistress story.

BlindPanzer comments:
How do you join this army?

BlindPanzer comments again:

DJ Hadoken responds:
Okay, if you want something to start with:

First, tell us what your name is (doesn’t have to be your real name, of course)
Second, your age
Third, gender
Fourth, your special skills
Fifth, previous RIA war experience, if any
Sixth, which RIA army you are joining (read the War section!!)

Be as creative as you can be!

DJ Hadoken responds again:
Enjoy :vampire3:

DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon comments:
This is the most unsuccessful recruitment ever. Sure, we did actually get people back when we were doing it on Yahoo and when you think about it, the war is over, but not a single person has volunteered. I think we’ll need a new war to rekindle support.

DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon comments again:
Holy schnikes. That’s exactly the answer I was looking for. Amazing.

DJ Hadoken responds:
It was just another stupid spammer.

DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon responds back:

The Funk Mistress comments:
I have a lot of pills. Because my dog needs to be sedated for car trips. I got this one ex, that other cet, the other one bien, and some other mine (ok, the last one is weak OTC stuff, but I’m sure if you take enough of that SOMETHING will happen).


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