TCOTWAME 2: Into The Fire (1)

A stylized image of two teenagers, one an orange-haired female and one a slightly taller male, standing in the smokey remains of a burnt and charred forest, with zombies in the background.

The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction

Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress

Into The Fire
Chapter 2 (Part 1 of 5)

Early Morning of July 2nd A.D.

Kewl Kat’s army was getting near the shores of the Bay of the Belfalas. Kewl Kat ships were protected by his own personal submarine army. Past 8 o’clock, Kat’s army made landfall. And the DJs’s army made landfall few minutes later.

Kat’s army didn’t meet that many opposition. His tank divisions were destroying everything on their path.

DJs suffered high casualties during the first hours of battle. Some of the casualties of the DJs’s army were DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon, Uu, and Guy the Manager.

The armies were advancing without much opposition into the mid-afternoon of July 2nd.


“Funk Mistress, I know how to tie knots. I did it in Boy Scouts all the time,” DJ Fuji the Man Scout said, as the last remnants of what was once Murkyforest burnt to the ground.

DJ Fuji’s army had met little resistance from the financially distressed inhabitants of Murkyforest. What foes they did encounter were quickly assimilated into his now undead army.

“I am not worthy to wear the armor of the rich! I am just homeless now!” A distraught elf was kneeling on the ground, surrounded by zombies. He had managed to escape the flames because he had been attempting to drown himself in the Murky River. The zombies that found him were waiting as DJ Fuji made a noose out of a rope.

The Funk Mistress observed the destruction around them, “DJ Fuji, have you noticed that we are the only ones left alive here?”

The elf sobbed, “Everything has been taken away! Nothing is in my safe! My two thousand years of long-term gem deposits are gone!” This elf was none other than Thrandorias of Two Faces, father of the elfish hero known as Legorias. He was once the elf king of Murkyforest, before DJ Fuji caused its economy to crash with his Ring of Vices and then burned it down with his undead army.

“You know, we technically were defeated. Seeing how everyone we came here with DIED. But for some ironic reason, we now have more people than we started with,” The Funk Mistress said, as she watched the undead scour the land for fuel to add to the flames that were burning the remains of Murkyforest.

DJ Fuji quickly tried to correct her, “They’re not dead, Funk Mistress. They’re zombies.”

“Other lands are better than here! The fortunes of the Central-dirt will rise and fall, but my forest kingdom, it will never endure!” Thrandorias of Two Faces wailed while DJ Fuji wrapped the loops of the rope.

Thrandorias of Two Faces had once been a mighty warrior, until the Central-dirt Taxation Office contacted him, demanding that he pay over five thousand years of unpaid taxes within one week, or else they would seize Murkyforest along with all of his other assets.

To make matters worse, after he noticed that all of the gems that he kept in his safe had vanished, he slipped and fell face-first onto a hot frypan, suffering twelfth degree burns. And because he had lost his health insurance, he could not afford to go to the hospital. So half of his face was left horribly disfigured, which earned him the nickname “Thrandorias of Two Faces”.

Thrandorias of Two Faces’ financial troubles overcame him so much so that he lost the will to fight, stopped exercising, and became extremely feeble and malnourished. And then he threw himself into the Murky River. All of these events simultaneously unfolded the very instant that he was hit by the power of DJ Fuji’s Ring of Vices. Such is the might of RIA.

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The Funk Mistress was not amused by what DJ Fuji had said, “You know, if you hadn’t had tried charging through the swamps like that, maybe some of them would be alive! These were actually people! Some of them could have even been our friends!”

DJ Fuji (still focused intently on the rope in his hands) said, “But Funk Mistress, this is for the glory of The Ancients! Now, do you want to see me tie this knot?”

DJ Fuji put the noose around Thrandorias of Two Faces’ neck and tightened it. The zombies then made Thrandorias of Two Faces stand on a burnt wooden stump as they hoisted him to a burnt tree.

“I thought I filed my taxes not two moons past!” Thrandorias of Two Faces sobbed in misery.

DJ Fuji taunted Thrandorias of Two Faces, “You should have given up sooner! From the very beginning, you had already set yourself up for failure! Why couldn’t you notice it? It was so obvious!”

The Funk Mistress scolded DJ Fuji, “Stop taunting him and get it over with!”

DJ Fuji retorted, “Why does it matter if I taunt him? He’s not real. He’s just an imaginary character from a story.”

The Funk Mistress did not agree, “Of course he’s real! He’s right in front of you! And if they were all imaginary then we wouldn’t be waging war on them!”

DJ Fuji then exclaimed, “Mooooonnnnkeeeey!”

The Funk Mistress was losing her patience, “If only you were that enthusiastic about updating the website!”

The zombies kicked the burnt stump out from underneath Thrandorias of Two Faces. “Uuuuuh...” He gurgled as he choked and then went silent when he finally died. One minute later he became a zombie and said, “Uuuuugghhh!”

The Funk Mistress was confused, “Why did he turn into a zombie? I didn’t cast a resurrection spell this time!”

DJ Fuji asked her, “Funk Mistress, don’t you know anything about zombies?”

The Funk Mistress snapped at him, “No. DO YOU?!” And then she scowled at him, “You know, if I wasn’t such a kind Funk Mistress, I could have easily dastardly deeded YOU by now. If it wasn’t for my powers of the Funk, we would have suffocated by now because of all the smoke and ash everywhere!”

“What? I didn’t hear you Funk Mistress. You have to speak louder.” DJ Fuji turned and raised his arms into the air as he commanded his zombie army, “N-n-n-ow my z-z-om-zombies mar-ch-ch to Ló-lóliel! Eat the b-b-rains of those that stand in our way!”

The Funk Mistress’ scowl turned to confusion, “DJ Fuji, why were you stuttering just now?”

DJ Fuji, with a blank expression, responded, “I wasn’t stuttering, what are you talking about?”

The Funk Mistress (physically exhausted and tired of the discourse in this wasteland) relented, “Maybe the smoke is getting to our heads. Let’s just go. I want to see DJ Benvenuto already.”

And so, the victorious RIA Army of the Far North marched South to Ló Liel, where it had been decreed by DJ Hadoken that the armies of DJ Fuji and DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon were to converge to confront the ancient elves of the forest.


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