Hadoken Returns: 2

A night-time photo of a waterside celebration.

Hadoken Returns
Original Young Adult Fiction

Written by The Funk Mistress

Part 2

Again, The Funk Mistress closed her eyes.

The world swirled and suddenly they were with DJ Skittles. Unfortunately, he was in the shower at the time. Not good. Not good.

“HADOKEN!” DJ Skittles exclaimed.

DJ Hadoken screeched, “Skittles put some pants on! The Funk Mistress doesn’t want to see your crotch!”

“I’ll bet you want to though... Shlug Hug!”

DJ Skittles proceeded to follow DJ Hadoken around thrusting his crotch at him. DJ Wang and The Funk Mistress thought this was quite hilarious.

Finally, DJ Skittles was all shlugged out. The Funk Mistress gave him his Ring back.

Now they needed DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon and DJ Fuji the Man Scout.

One last time, The Funk Mistress closed her eyes. The world swirled and DJ Skittles tried to dirty deed DJ Hadoken. “Damnit Skittles, we’re trying to teleport!” DJ Skittles resigned himself to grabbing at his leader’s danger zone.


Suddenly they were in Disney World where everyone was for Grad Nite.

They saw DJ Benvenuto in the distance. Luckily, DJ Fuji was with him, along with The Woodsman as well. DinoGirl and other Poss members were also nearby.

They caught up to the two of them. Their jaws hung slack as they saw DJ Hadoken. Not sure whether to hug him and risk looking weak or just pat him on the back. They decided a hug was acceptable since DJ Skittles was trying to dirty deed him... again.

DJ Benvenuto and DJ Hadoken compared their hair while DJ Fuji looked on. Mine is so poofy! Oh but yours is so straight. Do you use conditioner? Do you use relaxer?

Suddenly, DJ Fuji interrupted, “How did you guys get here? I thought none of you were coming to Grad Nite.”

The Funk Mistress, DJ Wang, and DJ Hadoken looked at each other.

DJ Wang nodded and The Funk Mistress held out their Rings to them. “Remember these?” She smiled as recognition showed in their eyes.

DJ Benvenuto took his Ring and put it on.

DJ Fuji reached for his, but then pulled back. “Oh uhm, no thanks. You can have mine Funk Mistress,” he said.

She looked around, wondering what to do. “I can’t. Only you can wear the Ring. It’s a DJ Ring. I’m not a DJ.”

DJ Fuji responded, “Still, you can have mine anyway.”

“I- I can’t,” she stammered. “It won’t work for me, anyway. Right, guys? Right?”

No one answered. She sighed. “Fuji, take the funking Ring or I will cram it somewhere uncomfortable. I haven’t decided where because I wasn’t sure if I should censor this for language (despite having used the word funk like two seconds ago), but it will probably be uncomfortable.”

DJ Fuji sighed and took the Ring. He whined, “Can I go now?”

“No. You’re going to stand there and see what Hadoken has to say or do or whatever,” DJ Wang growled.

“Just watch,” The Funk Mistress pleaded.

DJ Hadoken sighed and closed his eyes and one by one they all exclaimed their powers.

“Economic Hardship!”

“The Student Body!”

“Filthy Lifestyle!”

“Oral Communication!”

“Whirling Gyrations!”

Nothing happened. Not a damn thing.

Well, sure, like a couple thousand people turned around and stared at a small group of idiots who just made lamesters of themselves. But aside from that, nothing.

now back to the blog...

“Economic Hardship!”

“The Student Body!”

“Filthy Lifestyle!”

“Oral Communication!”

“Whirling Gyrations!”


“...Economic Hardship.”

“The Student Body...”

“...Filthy Lifestyle...”

“...Oral Communication.”

“Whirling Gyrations...”

“Damnit! This is totally lame!” The Funk Mistress screamed. “What the Funk? What could he be doing that’s so damn important? Is he dangling another funking baby off a balcony?”

DJ Wang reached over, slapped The Woodsman’s chest and growled, “Shut up!”

The Woodsman complained, “She was the one talking!”

“He’s not stupid enough to slap me,” The Funk Mistress retorted.

DJ Benvenuto looked around the theme park and said what was on everyone’s minds. “So I guess things aren’t gonna go back to normal now, huh?”

DJ Skittles looked at the ground, “I guess not.”

“Did we ever think they would?” asked DinoGirl, who had come to join them.

“No. But I think we thought that things would get better. I mean, what is this supposed to mean? Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation has abandoned us,” The Funk Mistress sighed. “Does this mean RIA is dead..?”

“No,” said DJ Benvenuto, springing to life.

“That’s what matters. As long as we still talk to each other and hang out, RIA will never die. The Rings, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation, the Benches, none of that made RIA. What made RIA was all of us. Together. Hanging out. Having fun. Because we were friends. We were our own group.

“We had our own world where we didn’t need to operate within the crap rules and didn’t do the things people expected us to do. That was RIA.

“There are people who think no one gets RIA anymore. There are people who don’t think anyone ever got it. Well, we all should get it now. It’s not the things we did. It’s who we were and who we are now. Things change, we change, but one thing is the same: the fun we have.”

The Funk Mistress looked around. Everyone was in tears at DJ Benvenuto’s thoughtful speech. “That was the lamest thing I have ever heard,” she commented. Everyone glared at her.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t true!” They continued staring at her.

The Funk Mistress rolled her eyes, “Oh please. He’s right! I just have no emotions. My Funk overrides them.”

Suddenly, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation approached them all. He was eating one of those Mickey Mouse ice cream things. “I was wondering when you guys were gonna figure it out.”

now back to the blog...

DJ Wang looked at him, “Where the hell were you?”

Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation waved his ice cream around. “Isn’t it obvious! I was buying ice cream,” he took a bite. “These things are good.”

The DJs and Poss were glaring at him. “Oh look, I couldn’t do anything until all of you got your act together. You didn’t know what RIA meant, or whatever. You needed to figure stuff out. You did it now.”

“Yeah, without your help,” added DJ Hadoken. He was hurt. He felt betrayed by Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation.

“I came here to reward you. If you want me to leave-”

“NO!” screamed DinoGirl. “Liven things up, please! There are too many dirty deed lovers here.”

“Dirty deed lovers... hmm. I mean, shite! Uhm... PARTY TIME!”

Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation jumped onto the stage and attacked the celebrities on it. Stupid Teeny Bopper drab and MTV lamesters. The stage was covered in blood.

“WOOOO! My publicist isn’t going to like this! But it’s so damn FUN!”

The Riaopians jumped on the stage and proceeded to party.

They blew up Coke bottles. They threw pizza grenades.

The Latin Bronco appeared and sold them food out of a van.

The Funk Mistress, DinoGirl, and DJ Benvenuto threw pins at Water-Bra and watched as she drowned in the flood that her leaking parts created. Dumb, unproportional lamester.

Meta-Guy appeared with Guy the Manager riding his back and started playing Hackey Sack with that globe from Epcot.

Hulk Smash chased butterflies and babbled.

Eventually, the Riaopians looked over at the carnage they created. They sighed happily at their handiwork. They set out blankets in the stores and slept happily until it was time to go home.

In their sleep, they dreamed.

Of cup checks.
Of Berserk.
Of DJ Hadoken’s cat.
Of raiding DJ Hadoken’s house for food.
Of Savage Ninja.
Of potato cannons.
Of Wacky Wednesday.

And some of them dreamed of the future.

Of future antics.
Of things to come.
Of a RIA they never could have imaged before.

Because never before had they lived what they have lived.

Never before had they overcome what they had overcome that night.

Never before had RIA broken, and never would it again.

To Be Continued


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