Planet of the Apes (2001) Review

Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth and other actors from Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes.

DJ Benvenuto the "I’m... so tired" the Raccoon
has this to mumble through the keyboard because his head is on it wsrhbsdggsdg:

Yes, it’s not even 10 P.M. but I’m so sleepy and tired.

Got back from work a while ago. I practically run the freakin’ store.

Miserable day... I’ve been getting 6 hours or less of sleep for about 2 weeks now.

Between summer school, work, going to sleep at 12 or 1 A.M., and waking up at 6 or 7 A.M. I’m surprised that I can still go on... especially when you take into account DDR.

Well, enough about me slipping into a coma from exhaustion. Let’s talk about me slipping into a coma after watching Planet of the Apes.

Yep, we saw it yesterday, and it’s my duty to tell you what I thought of it.

Now, first of all, I would just like to state how big a fan of the original series of movies I am. I spent about a hundred bucks on the boxed DVD set. The original Planet of the Apes is one of my all time favorite movies. So I had very high expectations for this movie.

First, let’s start with the effects. The makeup and stunts were quite good, impressive even.

Now, the acting... Who did the best job?

I think Tim Roth (General Thade) did a very good job as his character. He brought out the insanity and brutality which made Thade such a memorable character. He knew how to portray a mad chimp with an inferiority complex and a habit of outdoing himself.

It seems every time Thade got on his horse, he had to outdo himself just a little more. For real, next time you see it, just take notice of every time he gets on his horse.

Now, Mark Wahlberg was supposed to be the star, but in my opinion, he hardly was. His character hardly developed at all throughout the movie. He was just, sort of there. His character is nowhere near the caliber it could’ve been.

Just look at Charlton Heston as Taylor in the original. Now that’s a good character.

Helena Bonham Carter was just horrible. I hated her character and her acting. She wasn’t even nearly as cool as Zira (Kim Hunter) in the original.

Now we get to that native human girl that loves Marky Mark and his Calvin Kleins. She was crap.
Were we supposed to care about her? Really! I didn’t know ’cuz she was freakin’ ape fodder, for all I knew. Enough about her.

Limbo... well, he was okay at some parts, and annoying at others.

Now where was poor ’ol Cornelius? He didn’t even have an equivalent. Oh well, I guess that’s better at least I can remember him as he always was. Kick ass.

Throughout the movie they make several references to the first one, but in my opinion, it just made the movie worse. Every time I heard a line or a variant of a line from the first one, it just sort of angered me.

Now, let’s get to the basic story.

Leo Davidson, space man, underwear spokesmodel, chimp lover and star of our picture... or at least he’s supposed to be. He goes through some weird space / time continuum disturbance (because he was following his monkey). BOOM. Crash lands on some weird planet.

Apes capture him. Female monkey notices him. Becomes aroused and tells other apes to stop abusing him, and that she wants to buy him. She takes him home. He escapes. She helps him. They go to CALIBA (equivalent of Forbidden Zone in the original).

Okay, I think I’ll stop now, because I’ll only get into hardcore spoiler material.

now back to the blog...

You know the drill, highlight.

Now, it seems that after an hour or so of just special effects and, oh yeah, acting, we get to the real meat and bones of the story.

It seems CALIMA CALIBA (whatever... call it monkey toilet), is actually Marky Mark’s ship. They crashed because they were looking for him.

The chimps had evolved and killed most, if not all, of the humans and took over. They spread across the world and committed incest and became the apes that you see in the movie.

The remaining humans also committed incest and BOOM BOOM BOOM became the “primitive” humans that you see there.

Then the apes, led by Thade, go after the humans, which have all congregated at the hippest place on the Planet of the Apes (in front of Marky Mark’s crotch).

Biff from Jurassic Park 3 seems to make a cameo and kicks some ass in the big battle. If he can get urine from a T-Rex, then a few hundred apes are no match for him.

BOOM BOOM BOOM. Fight is over and the monkey that Marky Mark was after appears with a ship intact.

Thade and Marky Mark fight. Thade gets locked up. Then Marky Mark leaves back into space.

Not an emotional departure at all. Doesn’t make you feel sad at all. He goes through the warp thing and the clock thing says he goes back in time (but I think he goes forward).

He arrives at a planet which he believes is Earth (but I disagree). Crash lands in a place exactly like Washington D.C., and then apes (dressed exactly like we do) in cars (just like ours) appear.


So there.

All I’ve got to say now is, it’s a mediocre, somewhat decent remake when you nitpick and compare it with the first.

Lots of eye candy, hardly any substance.

Loads of continuity problems and a bad / stupid ending.

If you look at it by itself, without thinking about it too much, then it’s a pretty good, fun movie. Lots of action, loads of eye candy, monkey lovin’ and Marky Mark.

Tired of reading yet? Am I done? Yes.

Is Dr. Zaius done? NO!

When he heard that I was doing this review, he sent me a message.

It also features a cameo from

now back to the blog...

Dr. Zaius and El Gran Salchichon comment about the new Planet of the Apes movie.
A very touching message from Dr. Zaius featuring El Gran Salchichon.
He shares with us his feelings regarding the new Planet of the Apes movie.

As you can see, Dr. Zaius was outraged (just like I was) that he wasn’t in the movie.

That Dr. Zaius is gonna do something, so watch out Timmy Burton.

He’s fierce and rabid, not good.

Look at me.
I’m a gorilla with swords in a sweater vest.


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