The Odyssey: Eumaeus’ Dirty Secret

A close-up photo of two bare feet covered in wet brown mud.

The Odyssey:
Eumaeus’ Dirty Secret
Original Greek Mythological Fan Fiction

Foreword by DJ Hadoken 7

Have you ever had to slam the door shut on someone just before they walk into your room and discover your dirty little secret? Well, Eumaeus the swineherd has got something to hide and he ain’t letting anyone in on this one.

This is a long-lost chapter from Homer’s Odyssey. Told from the first person view of a freshly manufactured Robo Zeus, who has just crash landed on Eumaeus’ pig pen and is literally as filthy as you can imagine.

Eumaeus’ Dirty Secret
Written by DJ Hadoken

I am in my world, thinking.

These things come to me. They speak to me. Had I not been where I was... They tear my body to pieces. They are small, floating objects, squeaking, buzzing. Tearing my arms, tearing my legs, tearing my face.

Replacing me with metal. Crude metal. Sparks. I cannot fight back.

They prod me; impale me with their needles. With their drugs. Pumping my severed limbs, my severed body, with their blood, to keep me alive.

To keep me from convulsing, to keep my monstrosity away.

My face iron they throw me away. They throw me, leaving me in yet another world of nether.

And then the mist clears.


My ears tell me as I scream. The knife through my brain telling me to cease.

I fall to my knees, I claw I fight I destroy the swine. I tear their bodies to pieces.

Shuddering, stuttering. Shaking.

I meet the swineherd.

Old man withered away, seen many ages. I shake and stutter; I cannot stand.

I rage.

“Oh, what do the gods desire of me?

“Must I take in one who slaughters the enduring Odysseus’ swine?

“What am I to say, I cannot judge this man as any less than those suitors who plague our king’s house.

“Better this strange being than them.”

As I struggle to destroy him I shut down.

His neck is engulfed by my monstrosity. By my hands. I see them.

I want to scream. My metal dripping blood the old man is screaming. My face dripping blood.

The old man will not stop. I shudder. I stop. I let go.

The old man. Terrified by my monstrosity.

now back to the blog...

“Father Zeus have mercy! Hear my plea!

“It is not I who wrongs you!

“I have always welcomed every stranger and have abided by your laws of hospitality set forth!”

My eyes shake. My vision distorts.

“Surely you must be Zeus the Father, here to punish me for not sacrificing my best swine for you!

“But hear me, Zeus who loves the lightning, have mercy- it is the suitors who make a mockery of Odysseus’ house and shamelessly court his unwilling wife.

“They feast and order me to send them the king’s best swine for their own pleasure!

“They are princes and I am nothing more than a servant, there is nothing I can do!

“They are the ones who commit these outrages!

“Even young Telemachus can do nothing!”

I kneel. I fall against a wall. Silence.

The old man, fear passing, clothes me.

My vision distorting. My thoughts falling behind one another.

For days I remain in this corner, the old man bringing me food I cannot eat.

Allowing no one to enter the room I dwell in.

At times the voices say,

“Eumaeus, loyal swineherd of Odysseus, why do you not allow us to enter that room?

“What have you got there?

“Your face glows as if you have met Zeus himself and he has brought you a blessing worthy of a king!”

I hear the old man chuckle.

“Eumaeus, you laugh as if Zeus had brought you a gift that will expel those suitors from our king’s house and one which will bless us with the great Odysseus’ return!”

Kneeling before me, the old man, says,

“Father Zeus, surely you remain here, contemplating how to set right Odysseus’ house.”

With that, no other word, setting the food down, leaving.

Immobile. I cannot move. I cannot eat the food. I cannot move.

The old man returns, I shudder. Falling back the old man is frightened.

Uncontrollable now, my body. I cannot eat the food.

I grasp, I claw. My monstrosity.

I hear the clicking.

My ears tell me,

“Low power.. low power..”

Sirens in my ears, I scream. The old man screams.

The others burst into the room, my eyes, shaking distorting.

All shaking. Can’t stop myself.

“Oh woe upon us as we fear the deathless gods! Eumaeus has kept a god in this very house and has angered him!”

The old man crying,

“This is our death!”

I collapse, grasping for them, as they shrink in fear, I cannot eat.

The sirens in my ears, the stabbing knife in my head. I scream. I cannot stop.

This horrible destruction, this fate. These people.

“Shutting down.”

They cannot keep my monstrosity away.


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