THE REVIEW WRITTEN LANGUAGE WAS MADE FOR
COLLATERAL DAMAGE
SUPER REVIEW
Movie Review by BurpingCat
Movie Review by BurpingCat
Back in prehistoric 1985, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, the best Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever was released to the masses.
It was called
Commando, and it was about Arnold killing everybody he met. And then
specifically going to some island full of Hispanics (led by some
dictator Hispanic guy) to purposely meet them...TO THEIR
DEATHS!
So anyway, he kills a bunch of those goons, takes down The Man, kills his army rival, saves his daughter, saves the day. It was perfect all the way to the end.
Years pass, the dinosaurs become extinct, and then it’s the year 2002.
So anyway, he kills a bunch of those goons, takes down The Man, kills his army rival, saves his daughter, saves the day. It was perfect all the way to the end.
Years pass, the dinosaurs become extinct, and then it’s the year 2002.
Arnold followed up on
Commando
with doo-doo like Twins, True Lies, Jingle All The Way,
and the one where he was pregnant. Everybody lost trust in poor
Arnold, and then they broke his heart and Arnold had to
get it fixed.
Now, Arnold can’t run around as swiftly as he could in
Commando. This point will have it’s place in the review soon.
I saw a preview for a new Arnold movie called Collateral Damage. I didn’t know doo-doo about this movie. But the preview pretty much showed all that Commando was about: death and destruction in a Hispanic nation with Arnold holding the weapons. Hell yeah. No more pregnant nonsense. It’s Hardcore Arnold. It’s Commando 2.
I saw a preview for a new Arnold movie called Collateral Damage. I didn’t know doo-doo about this movie. But the preview pretty much showed all that Commando was about: death and destruction in a Hispanic nation with Arnold holding the weapons. Hell yeah. No more pregnant nonsense. It’s Hardcore Arnold. It’s Commando 2.
And finally, on Saturday, we went to go see Collateral Damage.
So was it really Commando 2?
Well, when I was watching the movie, all I was waiting for was for
Arnold to get his hands on some guns and stuff, because
that’s when the fun starts. Even if he didn’t get his
hands on some guns, he could’ve
killed Colombians
with his bare hands, right? Not so.
To put it simply, Collateral Damage is not Commando 2. It’s The Adventures of Wacky Arnold in Colombia: The Movie. We get the reason for him going to Colombia: his family was killed accidentally by some terrorist bombing. Arnold is heartbroken, although, you don’t really care. His wife and kid were so generic they could’ve been replaced by giant Lego men.
So, after like 30 minutes of filler, he goes to Colombia. The rest is crazy acts of chance that Arnold gets himself into, being the Dumb American In Foreign Country that he is.
To put it simply, Collateral Damage is not Commando 2. It’s The Adventures of Wacky Arnold in Colombia: The Movie. We get the reason for him going to Colombia: his family was killed accidentally by some terrorist bombing. Arnold is heartbroken, although, you don’t really care. His wife and kid were so generic they could’ve been replaced by giant Lego men.
So, after like 30 minutes of filler, he goes to Colombia. The rest is crazy acts of chance that Arnold gets himself into, being the Dumb American In Foreign Country that he is.
However, this is understandable, because as I said, Arnold is
too old to do things himself... he needs stuff around him to
happen so he can yell “GET DOWN!” and thus save the day.
If there’s one thing to love about this movie, it’s the almost insane lack of morality. Arnold’s family gets killed, so, he wants revenge. He never learns that revenge is shallow and that he’ll never be satisfied... the movie never tries to push stupid doo-doo like that.
Even after the terrorist guy reveals to Arnold that there isn’t much difference between them, Arnold DOESN’T LEARN A DAMN THING AND CONTINUES BLOWING STUFF UP AND KILLING PEOPLE, ALL THE WAY TO THE END.
How about when “The Government” (that’s how underdeveloped those characters are) were showing him the videos of his wife and kid dying a brutal death in the explosion? It was like a theater. Multiple angles, zoom x4, Cantonese audio track, GO!
There’s more, but it might be a spoiler. I’ll just let you go and shock yourself.
If there’s one thing to love about this movie, it’s the almost insane lack of morality. Arnold’s family gets killed, so, he wants revenge. He never learns that revenge is shallow and that he’ll never be satisfied... the movie never tries to push stupid doo-doo like that.
Even after the terrorist guy reveals to Arnold that there isn’t much difference between them, Arnold DOESN’T LEARN A DAMN THING AND CONTINUES BLOWING STUFF UP AND KILLING PEOPLE, ALL THE WAY TO THE END.
How about when “The Government” (that’s how underdeveloped those characters are) were showing him the videos of his wife and kid dying a brutal death in the explosion? It was like a theater. Multiple angles, zoom x4, Cantonese audio track, GO!
There’s more, but it might be a spoiler. I’ll just let you go and shock yourself.
Let’s just say it’s a lot of senseless, almost unnecessary violence,
although, unfortunately not by Arnold.
The end isn’t quite as spectacular as Commando, but it’s still pretty damn cheesy. And it’s even almost the same ending as Commando.
So, in short, Collateral Damage will make you realize that morality in movies sucks compared to laughing your ass off at cheesy scenes, that Arnold is old, that senseless violence is the only way to solve your problems, and that the spirit of Commando lives in Collateral Damage, even if it’s in an aged state.
The end isn’t quite as spectacular as Commando, but it’s still pretty damn cheesy. And it’s even almost the same ending as Commando.
So, in short, Collateral Damage will make you realize that morality in movies sucks compared to laughing your ass off at cheesy scenes, that Arnold is old, that senseless violence is the only way to solve your problems, and that the spirit of Commando lives in Collateral Damage, even if it’s in an aged state.
“TELL ME WHERE THE WOLF IS!”
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