you can't keep a RIA soldier down

A black and white close-up photo of a gothic-looking door handle.

The Funk Mistress has this to say:

Nearly one month ago, Fred Hamtaro Funk Mistress-Raccoon went missing in the forests of Transylvania.

He and I were valiantly fighting against the forces of Dracula, on a secret reconnaissance mission that even now is too secret to fully discuss, as the findings are still being studied.

At first, the odds seemed to be in our favor. But how quickly the tides can change. One false move and Fred and I were discovered. I used my powers to aide our escape, but Dracula employed vampiric magic to hypnotize me and I was temporarily unable (unwilling even, due to the effects of the trance I was under) to cast any Funk Spells.

Our mission was in grave peril and Fred risked his own life to save me and the mission. He caused a distraction that simultaneously broke the spell over me and drew the vampire army’s attention elsewhere: namely on him.

I escaped, planning to meet my son at a predetermined spot. But he never showed. Since that day, I have blamed myself for the loss of DJ Benvenuto and my only child.

But today, our son returned.

An image of Fred Hamtaro Funk Mistress-Raccoon.

Dehydrated, but in otherwise fine health. He was tested for vampirism and the results were negative.

He learned great secrets watching Dracula’s monsters for the past 27 days.

Secrets that could help us win the war.

Dracula, you’re going down.


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